I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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