You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
