Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
