it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want a musical about memes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
