I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
