i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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