Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
