Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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