I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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