Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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