Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Randomize
