Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
