Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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