You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
