just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.