I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
