Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
