the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
50% drunk capacity currently
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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