i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
