The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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