I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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