My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
