when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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