Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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