The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
