i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
