I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
