ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I supernannyed him into submission
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
