If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
