i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize