I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
