Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
