So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
