I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
