Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
