I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
