John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
