The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
