Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
