Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
