i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
