Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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