I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
