i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
