Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
