nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
