Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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