The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
