dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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