please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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