Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
