your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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