I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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