I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
