Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
