I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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