dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
