after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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