if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
