We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
