She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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