He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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