After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
