My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
