is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
