my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
