there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
