As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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