he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
